I already know I’m not going to be happy with how this post turns out. Part of me will always think it could have been better with more time, more work, more editing, more, well, anything.
I was supposed to have a post ready for today, but now, two hours before my deadline, I’m writing this instead. To be fair, a whole slew of things have happened, and while I was able to mostly maintain writing, I never got to editing anything to put here for Tuesdays. I’ve maintained the most important aspect — continuing to write — but I left all the other important parts aside.
When I try to figure out how I ended here: writing a post and throwing it up on the blog just to say I made my deadline –it feels the root cause is lack of planning. Yes, I had to deal with a whole slew of paperwork for my personal life, as well as some overtime at my regular job. But I came home and had to ask myself, every night, what should I do tonight? Mostly, think of something interesting to write about, and if I can muster the energy, do some editing or something.
That’s not sustainable. Not only that, it’s not going to produce anything good, either.
Of course, a plan only gets us as far as we’ve planned. I can sit and make whole lists of ideas and posts to create, but the moment things veer off course, well, the plan needs scrapping then, doesn’t it? That’s the danger of over-planning: either wasteful with all the changes when the ground shifts, or running into a wall because we decided not to adapt.
This probably isn’t an important moment, but I know I want to think it is. I want to tell myself, oh, this is the time when I changed from this kind of person to that kind, and always the new person is better.
Enthusiasm and grit got me this far, but doggedness and professionalism will carry me through the harder days. Or, sometimes, just enthusiasm carried me here, and sheer grit will solve it. Or, other times, grit got me here, but now, lacking the joy and exuberance of earlier times, I need to remind myself why I want to do this whole project and use that to drive me onward.
It all feels like so much thinking, and so little substance. Maybe I need a plan, but I only have to look back three months ago to the endless plans which got shitcanned before the blog ever started. I feel the lack of energy, and the lack of passion, and the lack of will to fight through the troubles, but I have been tired, I have been struggling to keep on top of things, and I have forgotten some of the reasons why I want to do this. Then I get a good nights sleep, or read a book I enjoy, or finish a little draft despite barely feeling like moving at all, and suddenly it all comes back, for one fleeting moment.
I have no intention of quitting. More than anything, I want to keep my promise of last week, and have something real to share during the week after next. I still have faith I can pull it off, somehow.
So, what am I writing this for? To feel sorry for myself in public? That seems childish and dumb. To try and show my vulnerability and lack of confidence, that even the people who can stand up and call out to do the right thing still face such demons every day? I haven’t really said or done anything noteworthy to deserve sharing that.
No, I think I want it to be something else: to raise the question of how to best balance this whole thing. I really do believe my crazy projects are doable and sustainable, but physically accomplishing them is not simple or easy. I’m already struggling with the basics, after all. It feels dishonest to hide that, though, so bringing the question to light? Will that help?
I’m not going to edit this post. I’ll clean up some spelling mistakes, take a read through, and probably cut the egregious waste, but I’m going to leave it as it is. Maybe to reach back for that middle idea, that I want to show more of what it’s really like doing this work. Maybe to just get this whole piece over with, so I can rest and relax tonight instead of doing the work I’m supposed to do. Perhaps to be edgy, different, from other people — look at me, I don’t bother putting up quality content! Or maybe, just to plant a flag in the road.
A flag, someday, that I can look back to, and say if I’ve learned anything or not. I don’t think I expect to. But, if I do, here’s a nice marker to look back on.
There’s more work to be done, and I probably need to form a real plan for what to write about going forward. Actual work, actual knowledge, actual skill to obtain and share here. Maybe, though, this can serve as a beacon: the worst, most idiotic thing I’ve put up on the blog. It wouldn’t be so bad to get that out of the way early, if nothing else.
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